"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
