i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
