Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize