You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
