I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
