if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
