i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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