I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
