he puts the penis in happiness.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize