my mouth tastes like poor choices
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
