and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize