you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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