So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
