i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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