I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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