I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
