Already got asked if we're dating
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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