he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
