I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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