His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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