talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
