Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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