So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
