A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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