I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize