...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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