My hand turned me down
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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