I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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