if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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