I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
