he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
