Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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