there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
