Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize