so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
