ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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