Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
