I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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