I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
This gyro tastes like lonliness
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
there is glitter all over my balls
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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