you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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