New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
