Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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