Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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