Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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