I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
