A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
two words: eviction party
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
