I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
