I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize