I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
