We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
