Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize