just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
