The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
