he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
