When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
