On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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