I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
