I wish life had little blips of pornography
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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